Emotionally, today was a difficult day for me. I’m just not ready for my brother to be sick like this. I see his eyesight, nausea and dizziness getting worse and I feel so helpless. I feel like I simply cannot do enough to help him. I want to take him in my arms and hold him close, not allowing anything to harm him, and yet what’s harming him is running wild inside. He and I have always winged it through everything and come out on top. We’ve been the invincible team. Surely we can figure out a way to beat this together. It’s what we do. We are only half way through our lives, it just can’t end now. My fathers death 21 days ago was so painful, but in many ways I’d been preparing for years for it as I watched him in pain and wanted him to be freed from it. But Jan has been so strong and aside from diabetes he’s been healthy. To see him like this all of a sudden is agony for me. I would give my life for him if I could.
Today was his 5th radiation appointment. We are half way there.
The first couple of times he went in, he saw purple and white lights in his head on the one side of his face. The next time he saw them on the other side of his face. Last time they were in the front and today the lights were still purple and white and twirled around in front of his eyes. He’s also experienced a metallic taste in his mouth. Food doesn’t taste as good anymore because it has taken on the metallic taste too. I asked the Radiology Oncologist if we could do a scan as soon as the next 5 sessions are done, to see if the tumors in his brain have shrunk at all, and he said that it is better to wait a few weeks because the radiation causes added swelling and a scan that soon would only show that the tumors are worse, when in reality they may not be, and that even when he’s done with radiation treatments, his tumors will still be worked on by lingering radiation for a while afterward.
While we were at the appointment, the girls organized my Mom’s jewelry for her just as I did when I was a little girl. They sent photos and it made smile, bringing back so many memories.
My Dad’s sister, Aunty Liz, left to return home to Australia today.
It was wonderful having her here with us but we know her husband, kids and grandkids have missed her while she’s been gone.
This afternoon Jan told me he was craving nachos, so I made him a huge plate of grilled chicken nachos. He seemed to thoroughly enjoy it.
Another day has come to an end, and tomorrow will be another to embrace and enjoy and love and learn. We will drive 90 minutes up to my sister’s place so we can work in her yard and home to help her as she is feeling very ill. I love my family and I love life and am so grateful for all these experiences that help me to grow, and I am especially grateful for an amazing husband who holds me close even when he is far away.