Time

Posted on September 16, 2015

Time is an interesting dimension. As a child I had no concept of it. I would play outside for hours, fall asleep up in a tree I’d climbed, and bike ride till the sky was the color I knew it had to be for me to go home for dinner. School felt long and play felt short. As I spend time with my brother now, I want the clock to stop. It moves too fast, with one day beginning then drawing to a close, just to rush on and another to begin. Today it has been one month since they gave him a month to live, and it has been a fast paced month packed with doctors appointments and treatments. I’ve spent my nights searching the internet, trying to find hope in all the stories and sworn by remedies. If I’ve had to run into town and been away from Jan for any time at all I have felt anxious, panicked and unable to concentrate on tasks at hand, because I just want to hurry back and be by his side. I see that time clearly, hearing every second we are apart ticking loudly in my head, and yet in our busy lives over the years sometimes weeks would go by without seeing him and I was so busy watching the clock on other things that I hardly noticed.         

How many times have we seen something beautiful, figuring we’d admire it more closely later, and then forgotten. Time moves forward and the opportunity is gone. A thought to visit or call someone who is ill or troubled, time passes and and then they heal and we have missed an opportunity to serve. Reading a book with a child, giving someone a hug, writing a note. There are so many things I still want to do with Jan, and I am grateful for the countless memories we share, because they are what will get me through time when it slows after he is gone.

I had wifi issues yesterday and was unable to post a blog. The creatures found a salamander as they were weeding the garden.

He was so cute with his permanent little salamander smile, and was calm as he watched the kids with interest. After admiring him for a while they placed him back where they’d found him in the dirt…where the soil is moist and filled with delicious bugs.

We picked more plums and played with milkweed that has gone to seed, and admired the changing colors in the leaves. The pines are thick and beautiful, ready for winter, and apples are becoming sweeter as the nights grow colder.

Hospice came and signed Jan up this morning. Fern and Trisha are with Alliance Hospice, under the care of Dr David Liljenquist, and are the same hospice group that took care of our Dad. They are such incredibly beautiful and caring little Angels. They patiently explain everything and answer every concern. Even though they have many patients, they make you feel like you have their undivided attention and care and like you are their main priority. I am so grateful for the hospice program. It is interesting for me to experience it from this side, because I was a hospice volunteer for several years, and was the person coming into homes to comfort and care for patients. They will be coming to meet with Jan twice a week for now, until more frequent visits are needed.

I had an appointment with the most experienced and recommended hand surgeon in Idaho Falls today. After seeing a couple different doctors about 3 years ago I was diagnosed with Kienbock’s Disease in my wrist, and had surgery in Oahu. It is avascular necrosis in my lunate bone and had become quite painful. The surgeon in Oahu cut my radius bone, removed a section from it to shorten it, then screwed a metal plate onto it to keep it together. The goal in shortening the radius was to allow more blood flow to the lunate to keep it from dying. I never did find relief after the surgery, and decided after 3 more years of pain it was time to get it checked again.

Today’s x-rays show that my lunate has collapsed and pieces have migrated and are overlapping other bones. The surgeon explained that Kienbock’s is so rare and he honestly has no idea how to fix it. He said he’d read an article about Kienbock’s repairs and thought he could maybe fuse two of the healthy bones to the radius. I asked what would happen if I just left it, and he said my wrist would continue to crumble and major arthritis would move in. He suggested that since he really doesn’t know what to do, that I go down to University of Utah for a second opinion.  My appointment is next Tuesday.

My Handsome Husband is doing well in Indonesia. He will soon be flying to Jeddah and Dubai for a week. I am so grateful he has been safe in his travels thus far.

Last night it rained much of the night, and it felt like we were back in Panama with a gentle rain. When I woke in the night to give Jan meds, the air was full of moisture and the sky was still dark with cloud cover. I breathed deep the smell of sage and wet pines, and I embraced that moment of standing in the cool air, small droplets on my skin and the sound of peace enveloping me, and I thought about how the length of time each of us lives, has nothing to do with happiness, but the quality of our lives and how we spend our time, is what makes all the difference in the world.