Day: October 3, 2015
What does 4 hours mean to you? To some it may mean a couple good movies. The time it takes from home to church services then home again. A great date night. Half of a work shift. Four hours can fly by or seem endless depending on the task at hand.
For me, 4 hours right now, means that Jan is starting to hurt again and it’s time for me to give him more morphine. My days and nights are lived in 4 hour increments, from one dose of medicine for my sweet brother, to the next. I am so grateful for medication that can relieve the pressure and pain in his head. His tumors are no doubt causing havoc in his beautiful bald head, and I’m so grateful that he is comfortable.
This morning I had a chat with him after kissing his face for a while. My tears flowed freely and I whispered in his ear that Daddy will be coming soon to take his hand, and he must not hesitate. Take his hand and know that all is taken care of here. We will all take care of Mommy, and he can join Daddy in taking care of us all. I told him once again how much I love him and thanked him for being my best friend and incredibly wonderful brother. He understood and whispered back that he loves me.
Embrace your next four hours with passion and gratitude. I know I will, and these minutes and seconds will be replayed in my mind over and over again as long as I live.
When I love, I love big. I love with my whole heart and leave myself vulnerable. For me, the best part of loving, is giving rather than receiving, and I want to heal broken hearts, uplift those that are discouraged, and leave those around me feeling understood and cherished. Love is kissing my child’s knee when they fall, drying their eyes and making them smile. Love is waking early and baking bread so my family wakes up to the smell of freshly baked bread. Love is having hot chocolate and freshly baked cookies ready when the kids come home from school on a rainy day. Love is sewing matching Christmas pajamas. Love is sneaking love notes and treats into Danny’s luggage when he leaves for a trip so he finds them at random times. Love is sending him sweet texts throughout the day and trying to make him feel completely loved.
Love is working in orphanages, holding tiny babies who were abandoned in garbage cans and on doorsteps. Love is giving food and blankets to homeless and providing them with a warm meal. Love is working in soup kitchens with a whole lot of love and a big smile, so they don’t feel judged.
Love is unraveling fishing line from a sea turtles body and removing hooks from a grey reef sharks mouth, just to see them turn in gratitude, make eye contact, then swim away.
These have all been so easy for me to do and have come without thought or reservation. I realize now that the greatest and most heart wrenching love that one can show, is to love someone enough to set them free. I have loved every second of my life with Jan. We have protected each other physically, and backed each other up in crazy situations even when we don’t have a clue what the other is talking about. We have felt each others pain, begged for each others well being, lied for each other and been each others confidant.
Through this final earthly journey with Jan, I have reached depths of love I never knew possible. I have ached more, cried harder, and prayed longer. I have kissed his head, held his hands, and felt his needs and discomforts before he tells me what they are. Today as I started him on morphine, I felt like I was betraying his trust, and not fighting hard enough in other ways. But the truth is, I am helping him relax, pain free, in such a way that his body can do what it needs and wants to do at this point.
This, is love. The bond and trust we have in each other, is Love. I am so grateful for this amazing man in my life. I am grateful for all our bruises and black eyes, our spankings and bicycle accidents. I love our life together, because what we have experienced, is love at its finest. We have been so blessed to feel it.