Alone

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Ever felt alone in a crowded room? It’s how I’ve felt all day, even though I’ve been surrounded by family. I woke at 2am after struggling to fall asleep, and spent the remainder of the night thinking, praying and crying. This is becoming more difficult for me…this massive void that is spread so far and wide in front of me, like a giant lifeless caldera. I have never ached for anyone at this depth, and I don’t ever see an end to it. Surely the time will come when I can breathe again.

I did try distract myself today. I rode the Harley into town to the dealership because it was leaking gas, and they replaced the gasket so it’s as good as new. When I walked in, several employees met me with open arms and greeted me as Jan Nel’s daughter. They had heard the news about Jan (Jnr) and made comments about how Harley riders stay together and Daddy needed a companion to ride with.

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Being among all the bikes and leathers made me miss Jan and Daddy so much. I’m so grateful for the memories I have of rides together with them.

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Jan always looked to me like he was built for a bike, he fit it so well.

The creatures and I ran into Walmart. I had 4 of mine, 2 ‘adopted’ sons and a nephew, and they were so funny.

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McKade was hilarious in the baby toy section. He made comments like, ‘I’m pretty sure dog toys and baby toys are made at the same place. They are so ridiculous. Look at this, what’s the point? Why does it make these sounds…like a baby is going to like that! Oh no, not this, why would a baby have a toy cell phone, I had to buy my own!’  His comments kept coming and just got funnier.

When it was time to check out, I’ve learned to let Mycah just do it all, because she is SO OCD!

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She has to place things on the conveyor in an order that makes completes sense to her – and I don’t even begin to try understand it. If I do happen to try place an item on the belt she gives me the stink eye and reorganizes. It was one of Jan’s favorite things, to point out irregularities to Mycah. It drives her nuts.

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We tried a couple new flavors today, and the verdict is…..The Peppered Bacon is quite disgusting, leaving a rather odd after taste in your mouth. I think they taste like it would if you licked the underside of someones dirty shoe. The Baby Back Ribs are very much just like BBQ chips, which I like, but nothing new and exciting, they were so much better than the shoe chips.

This afternoon I lay in the sun on the grass under the apple tree.

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Mommy joined me and we threw fallen wormy apples in to the corral, and Teddy the dog tried to chase every one we threw. I sat up on the wooden fence and petted the horses for a while. One lay his head on my lap and closed his eyes. Such beautiful creatures.

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I am so grateful that night time is here and I can go to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day for Kjira, as she’s getting her wisdom teeth out. I’ll be going in for an MRI on my shoulder. I am grateful for life.

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